One Week Post Double Mastectomy

Friday April 15 at 4pm, I finally got my drains out! Woohoo! I had four drains attached to me, two on each side and they were crazy annoying. I called them my little grenades. We had to dump it every 4hrs, measure and record it on a spreadsheet. My husband had the honors on this task. We’re both squeamish with blood. Thinking about it now makes me a little light headed…The physician assistant, who I’ll be seeing the next few weeks, was very helpful and comfortable to be around. We learned that the surgeon put in 100cc instead of 70cc of saline. Each week the PA will add 50cc of saline until I’m satisfied. Then I’ll have my next surgery 3 months after the last injection. But today she just pulled out my drains with ease and took the bandages out. They also removed the surgical glue that were on top of my stitches and realized I’m allergic to it, but thats probably due from my eczema. And I told her that someone safety-pinned my drains to my skin instead of my surgical bra. That wasn’t cool, didn’t feel it till the meds wore off. Since all my nerves been severed off, the drain removal was painless but weird. I think I had a delayed reaction because I felt faint afterwards. It felt like some sort of pressure release, hard to explain but definitely a weird sensation. Now I’m able to really see what my chest actually looks like. It’s a mix of emotions. I’m still sad for my lost which is something I know I’ll eventually overcome. But I have no regrets. My test results came back from pathology yesterday. This is what my doctor messaged me: “pathology is back and is all benign. They did see quite a bit of the same atypical cells, but nothing that could be called cancer.” He later added that they were found in both breast. So I was basically a ticking time bomb. Hearing this made me happy that I picked the right decision.

But man, the first few days were rough. Also foggy because I was in so much medication that my memory is skewed. They prescribed me oxycodone which is the worse. Was waaay too strong for me. It gave me severe anxiety,  the shakes, couldn’t sleep, and what’s worse, the constipation!! I stopped taking it after two days but it wasn’t soon enough. No one told me how bad the constipation would be! I’ve been constipated before but this one is different. My stomach was sooooolid. They gave me stool softeners but it didn’t work. I was going crazy and wanted to cry. I ended up buying something over the counter to get some relief. I was constipated for over 4/5 days and it hurt so badly it over shadow the surgery. Apparently it’s common and no one seems to talk about it till you bring it up. I guess that’s what narcotics does to you! Makes you crazy physically and mentally! Hahah. 

In the beginning it was hard for me to get up on my own. But I eventually learned to used my legs more to push myself up. I feel every pressure whenever I use my arms/upper body. It’s surprising how much its engaged with everything. Any pulling, pushing, any abrupt movements or whatever makes my chest flex hurts. Right now my skin is still very sensitive so when is cold, that really hurts. I can feel every goosebumps and they feel like needles. I’m not allowed to carry anything over 5lbs for five weeks. Walking around the house is fine, I can’t start taking walks outside until next week. And when I do it’s very minimal. We live on the 3rd floor with no elevators so going up and down the stairs makes me nauseous. So really all I can do is just sit there. And I’ve been sitting so much that I bought a back massager cause it’s killing me right now. Besides that I feel minimal pain only because I’m hardly doing anything.

The hardest part of all of this isn’t the physical, it’s the mental part. My husband really been keeping me sane throughout this process. I’m very good at suppressing my feelings with sarcasm and whatnot so it’s nice how I can just be myself when I’m with him. I’ve broken down so many times and he was always there to comfort me. But when you’re in recovery, all you can do is sit there with your thoughts. I’m also slowly trying to get away from my pain meds. I don’t like feeling numb, I don’t like how it made my brain foggy. But now that it’s clearing up, I realize how hard it is to breathe. My chest feels tight, feels like something is there (which there is) and I want to rip it out. I’ve been told the expanders are uncomfortable and the implants will be better. Fingers crossed! I’m not sure how I’m going to make it in the next 4 weeks. I’m already restless and bored out of my mind. Mentally I feel like I can do stuff but physically I cannot which makes it more frustrating. Like I want to hold and squeeze my cats but I can’t! So I’ll just go mentally insane for a while.

I’ve tried asking for a therapist but they basically said no and to seek support groups instead. I asked if they could help me find one, I couldn’t find any. Neither could they. Usually these support groups are with people with cancer, not preventative. The ones I found online are people who have the BRCA gene, I don’t have that either. So it feels lonely cause it feels like I can’t really complain. I don’t have cancer, I don’t have the BRCA gene were I would have to get rid of my ovaries too. And another thing they mentioned is that because “I’m so young” that there really isn’t much out there for me. The dreaded words I hate/keep hearing. “I’m so young.” Yes, I’m very aware because I’m so young, my body will heal better. But I’m still going through it. I already feel like I can’t “really complain” because it could’ve been worse. So whenever I hear those words that at least “I’m so young,” I get bitter. It literally went from maybe a cyst to high risk breast cancer. This whole thing started when I was 26. Because “I’m so young,” they assumed it was a cyst despite of my family history. Then when they finally took it out it was a benign tumor. Because “I’m so young” they didn’t want to take it out. Then they took it out and accidentally found out I was high risk. And because “I’m so young,” they didn’t want me to get a bilateral mastectomy. But when they took it out, they found a lot of the atypical cells in both breast. My age is irrelevant to the situation. I know I’ll be fine and I don’t want people to change around me. That phrase is just a “me thing” that I get triggered by. Eventually I’ll get over it. And it’s hard to explain how I really feel because it’s never in the right situation when someone ask me. Like I’m always working or something and I’m not trying to be a downer. But I can’t be too jaded. My situation is very very uncommon.

Even though these thoughts/feelings are strong, I’m not constantly feeling that way. I’d be very depressed if I was like that all the time. I’m keeping myself busy playing games, doing puzzles, hanging out with my cats, spacing out and whatnot. Those are a couple of things I actually enjoy so it’s not too bad. My recovery is going to feel long and I know I’ll be fine because I’m already doing well. I’m only gonna get stronger here on out.